The weaponisation of nice

Somehow, the nice are never on the side of good behaviour. Somehow, they are always on the side of manipulation and control.

We all know them, the nice people. They are the folks who pop up in social media comments taking issue with the truth, because the truth makes some other people feel bad about themselves. They are the parents who prioritise the ephemeral feelings of the child over the child’s ability to complete basic tasks, engage with peers, or leave the house. They are the administrators who let disturbed individuals run amok in workplaces because said individuals place a fig-leaf of victim status over their patently toxic behaviour, and no nice person will ever do anything other than support a “victim.”

These people are not really nice, of course. There is nothing nice about siding with porn-sick men who demand their children start calling them ‘mom,’ or demand access to women’s intimate spaces because it gives them sexual gratification. There is nothing nice about allowing a child to believe they are born in the wrong body, or that basic rites of passage like going to school, going through puberty, or taking exams are too stressful for the children to master. On an individual basis, in a face-to-face interaction, it is best to be cordial and respectful, and yes, nice to the person in front of you, no matter their beliefs. But I’m not talking about exchanging pleasantries at a social event, where common decency dictates we do our best to all get along. I’m talking about those who demure in the face of toxic behaviour, who shift uncomfortably in their seats instead of forthrightly pointing out that the emperor has no clothes, and who continue to deny the ever more obvious reality that not everyone who loudly claims to be vulnerable is, actually, vulnerable.  Some of them just need a kick up the arse. But a nice person would never say that. 

It’s very possible that these fake nice people might be real nice in low-stakes situations, like helping an elderly neighbour bring in the groceries. They might well be pillars of their community, quick with a friendly hello or encouraging word at the school gates. In fact, it might be that very sense of dutiful obligation and care for others that causes them, when dealing with toxic manipulators, to immediately assume that what is called for in this situation is to protect them from the consequences of their own actions. 

In the current culture war — which has actually developed into an even more serious spiritual war — the nice people sit squarely in the middle. They occupy the all-important strategic space between the malevolent power seekers and string-pullers who are driving our descent into hell, and us — the people who can see the horrors that are going on and, in our own small ways, speak out about it. While we too are nice people, in that we don’t actively relish the thought of hurting others, we are disagreeable enough to enforce the boundaries that have been long-recognised and respected in society. 

As a result, we — the seers and the speakers — are fighting not just the malevolent. We are also fighting the nice. Because somehow, the nice are never on the side of good behaviour. Somehow, they are always on the side of manipulation and control. 

A screnshot of a still from the film Mommie Dearest

I am surrounded by the nice. I have lost friends over the years because, despite any feistiness they might have had in youth, by middle age they settled into nice. I understand now that my temperament does not gel with nice. For one thing, I lack patience. I would make an absolutely terrible nurse. I have a sharp tongue and not a particularly long fuse. But also, I’ve always fought my own battles — and lost probably the majority of them — so I’m not inclined to bend over backwards for those who won’t do the same for themselves. Given my own hard-won internal peace, I have little patience for those who instead run to mommy (real ones or government ones) for protection when something perturbs their delusions.  

More significantly, the nice have also taken over key societal roles in government administration, policing, schools — basically the entire professional managerial class is made up of men and women whose main goal is to be seen as nice. But only to the “less fortunate,” you understand. And in the eyes of the nice, the “less fortunate” tend to be someone whose actions are egregious and harmful, but are to be coddled because they are the first to play the victim by claiming they belong to some category that nice people must be nice to any cost. People like, say, an irate taxpayer who does not want his daughter to share a changing room with a male sex offender, so he loudly complains to bureaucrats — that’s not nice. Despite his sincere grievance about the manipulative, damaging, or predatory behaviour of another, he’s not one of the “less fortunate” the nice have been trained to help. In fact, he’s is probably a bigot or a phobe, so the nice will read the power dynamics, and side against him. 

Those power dynamics are so entrenched that now they no longer need to be stated explicitly. The bureaucrats and devouring mothers and the administrators and Twitter keyboard warriors all can instinctively sense who gets a soothing pat on the head from mommy, and who gets put on the naughty step. 

The great, calamitous irony here is that what many of our delusional manipulators need is a dose of truth, plainly spoken. But that’s the kind of thing that the seers and the speakers provide, and perhaps we are a little too blunt. All the nice people have wrapped these damaged folks in cotton wool for the last two generations. Take for example, this absolutely heartbreaking Reddit thread, written by a man who has been hoodwinked by society into believing he can change into a woman, but there’s a little voice in his head telling him the truth (that’s that internal moral compass we all have.) I read this text and I feel tremendous sorrow for him, I don’t blame him for the madness he’s ascribed to, and if it were possible for me to talk directly to him, I wouldn’t berate him, I would tell him that it is ok just to be himself. That he absolutely stop trying to a woman because he will never, ever, be a woman. But I can guarantee you that he’s surrounded by nice people who would rather coo and fuss over him like he’s a little baby, and smooth the path to mutilation and continued self-loathing. 

It’s ok though. It will all come out in the wash. That’s what I tell myself when I get demoralised because the unfairness of it all drives me round the bend. Thankfully, I believe that truth is real, and it is objective, and no matter how determined and tricksy the liars are, it will win out in the end.